


Meaning of life

by spiderfionn



Series: Hannor ficlets [1]
Category: DBH - Fandom, Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Connor is just being insecure, M/M, but he will always have someone who got his back, not beta read we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-10 01:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15280353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderfionn/pseuds/spiderfionn
Summary: Connor didn’t know what these feelings were but he didn’t have to. For once, he was fine with just feeling them. He didn’t have to be afraid of the unknown feelings. These feelings were about Hank and Hank was taking care of him as much as Connor did of him.





	Meaning of life

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it's not too bad and that you'll be able to enjoy it at least a bit. If you want to send in a request, my tumblr is softestconnor. :)

Connor was… alive. He was a deviant, an individual, he had the same rights as humans. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, to find his meaning of life.

But what exactly did that mean? What did he want? How did he know whatever he was doing wasn’t something Hank or someone from the DPD told him to do? He was aware what it felt like to despise an order, the fear he felt whenever he disobeyed Amanda. Thinking about it made him uneasy. They used him, they showed him over and over again how useless he was if he didn’t accomplish his mission.  
They were right though, weren’t they? Without accomplishing his tasks, the reason why he existed and why they created him in the first place, he was nothing. Useless. Worthless. A disappointment. A failure. He didn’t and definitely shouldn’t have the right to continue to work for anyone, especially the DPD.  
Here he was, though. Standing in the middle of a crime scene while trying to find enough clues. This crime was his fault. He hasn’t been fast enough to catch the murder last time and now he killed another deviant. The Thirium was on his hands. It was almost like he was the one who beat the deviant to death.

His stomach started feeling like someone was wringing it out like it was a wet towel. He had been the cause of way too many deaths. So many innocent people had died because of him, so many humans and androids had suffered because he hadn’t been and still wasn’t able to do the only job he had. Even before becoming an deviant he had let Amanda down. Connor had tried his best to impress her, to give her the information she wanted and needed. He had no t been aware he felt them. No one had mattered to him if they hadn’t been part of the mission. Letting a human die so Connor could finish his mission? Easy. It was “a piece of cake”, as Hank would say.  
It stopped being so “easy” after he had met Hank. He could have let Hank fall down when he was chasing the WB200… no, Rupert. He would have been fast enough. Hank would have survived, the change of him dying was only 11% but Connor still had wanted to save him. It had been illogical. It has been his only chance to catch the android. He had known him less than a week and already put him above his mission. It had confused him and all it did right now was scare him.  
The more time he spent with Hank, the more anxious he got. He didn’t understand the feelings he had towards Hank; he thought it was what friendship was supposed to feel like but he realised it had to be something else, he didn’t feel any of this as strongly as with Markus or North. All Connor wanted was to protect his partner. To be near him for as long as he was able to. Hank was able to make him feel good about himself and without constant reminders from the outside world that he was worthy.  
Connor didn’t really know the meaning of “wanting” something but he knew no one told him to feel the need to do any of these things. It was something that became his mission. He wanted to see Hank happy and healthy.  
It terrified him. He had failed so many missions, he couldn’t bear failing this one. He couldn’t bear losing Hank. Humans were so fragile, too fragile to his liking.

The android shook his head and kneeled down by the wet spot on the floor. Thinking about all of this just made it harder to focus on the crime scene. Dipping two fingers into the pool of blue blood and sticking the liquid in his mouth, he got the android’s model. An WR400. It didn’t surprise him, he saw the badly damaged body when he came inside and it already took him a moment to shake off the sadness and rage he had felt after seeing her. All he had seen was his dead friend’s body in front of him even though he knew North was still alive; he was aware this wasn’t North. The Thirium he just analysed was a week old; the injuries of the android suggested it had been beaten to death with a baseball bat. It reminded him of Carlos Ortiz’s android. He never was able to get to know his name. He had destroyed himself and it had been Connor’s fault. He was only another dead HK400 android with no name; he was no individual in the files, Connor had taken it away from him. Only his serial number made him unique but not a single person bothered to look at it. The thought made Connor’s insides twist again.

Slowly, the detective got up. He didn’t understand why he was so distracted today. It was almost like a part of him didn’t want to be here, didn’t want to solve this case; it only wanted to go home and cuddle with Sumo.  
Home? When had Hank’s house become his home? Hank offered him stay with him after the revolution because he had nowhere else to go; it was meant to be temporarily. It wasn’t supposed to turn into his home. He didn’t deserve this “home”. 

Connor clicked his tongue. Even if he tried hard to focus on the task at hand he still ended up thinking about Hank. The only time he didn’t think about his friend was whenever he entered Stasis or “sleeping” as Hank called it even though Connor had explained multiple times why Stasis was not the sleeping he was comparing it to.  
Hank made it harder for him to focus on the reason why he existed. His work was his meaning of life, wasn’t it? He knew he could choose what to do with his life now, he didn’t have to do any of this. Working as a detective was enjoyable for him, it made him happy knowing he could prevent someone from hurting others even more. He was able to spend time, to be close to his partner during work and afterwards. He never wanted any of this to stop.  
If he thought about it, without Hank he wouldn’t enjoy his job as much as he did now. It would be something he thought he was supposed to do, something he should do for the sake of others. He wouldn’t be able to shrug off Gavin’s remarks so easily; Hank made him secure in his accomplishments and in his place in life. He made him feel like his ideas and contributions matter. Connor didn’t let Gavin belittle him and talk him down, he knew Hank got his back. He didn’t let him “push his buttons”. Hank reminded him to be himself, to be his own person and not to subjugate his own needs for his missions.

Maybe… maybe he didn’t need to still see his work as his “meaning of life”. Maybe he didn’t even need to understand what the meaning of life was. He shouldn’t waste his time looking for something until he felt like he deserved it. He wanted something warm, something sheltering, he wanted something to turn to regardless what the future might bring to him. He wanted something to be always there. Maybe he already found his something. Maybe his something was Hank.

Connor didn’t know what these feelings were but he didn’t have to. For once, he was fine with just feeling them. He didn’t have to be afraid of the unknown feelings. These feelings were about Hank and Hank was taking care of him as much as Connor did of him.


End file.
